After almost 9 months of marriage I cannot begin to describe how much of a blessing it is. It is truly a gift, one that has humbled, encouraged, stretched, and sanctified me in incredible ways. Vanessa and I were made one in the eyes of God and in the eyes of the Church on July 9, 2011. And with each day passing day, we both see more and more of that reality in each other.
What I mean by that is that although we were declared one at the moment we entered into the covenant of marriage, we had not yet begun to live as one in our daily lives. And in the first 9 months of marriage, I know we both realize all the more that the process of learning to live as one will continue until He calls one us home to Him.
In it all, here are three of the most important things that I’ve learned [oftentimes the hard way] in the last 9 months:
1) Pray. Pray again. Then pray some more.
Prayer is an often neglected spiritual discipline. I believe it is so neglected because it is so powerful. And our own flesh, partnered with the pervasive influence of the devil, is going to do everything in its power to convince us otherwise. But as we desire daily to be transformed in our minds through God’s Word, we read that “the effective prayer of a righteous man can accomplish much” (James 5:16b). The bible is full of testimonies of how much prayer can accomplish. Here are a few examples:
- Through prayer, the Spirit helps us in our weakness and intercedes for us according to the will of God (Romans 8:26-27).
- Through prayer, we realize that God’s grace is sufficient for us, regardless of the situation we are in (2 Corinthians 12:8-10).
- Through prayer, our spirits are strengthened, our faith is increased, our love is deepened, and our knowledge of Christ’s glory is expanded (Ephesians 3:14-19).
- Through prayer, God’s peace consumes us and God grows us in our contentment (Philippians 4:6-7, 10-13).
- Through prayer, God’s will is revealed to us, that we might walk in Him and bear the fruit of righteousness (Colossians 1:9-11).
With that said, prayer is the means by which the hearts of a husband and wife are increasingly united. When you approach the God’s throne of grace together, you come as one: one heart, one mind, and one voice. God sees you as one, as that is a foundational principle as to what marriage is: two becoming one. And as you pour out your heart in requests to God, your wife will be made more aware of what is burdening you. As a result, your burdens will naturally become their burdens, and her burdens will become yours. Your hearts will become united. Your pursuits will become united. Your purposes will become united. As a couple, prayer one of the powerful tools that will help you become more of what you already are (ONE in Christ).
2) Intentions don’t mean anything. Words and actions mean everything.
Words and actions are things that are actually said or done; and our intention or reason for saying those words or doing those things is not always communicated or clearly seen. Let’s face it: we as men are more sinful and selfish than we know. We oftentimes say or do things that ultimately hurt those closest to us (our wives). Some of the hurt caused is positive and brings good outcomes (wisdom, illumination, repentance, forgiveness, etc.); but most of it leads to negative consequences (distance, frustration, anger, etc.). And even though a response to something said or done might be sinful, we are implicated in that sin. Here’s how I get there:
As husbands we are called to know our wives intimately (one of the foundational principles behind being one flesh). But in our selfishness (laziness is a form a selfishness) we often don’t invest the time we should in getting to truly know them. This lack of discipline (spending time getting to know your wife) leads to a lack of understanding (of who your wife is and what she needs) which leads to a lack of ability (living and communicating with your wife as ONE in Christ). In our lacking ability we say and do things that hurt (even with the best of intentions). Our ignorance (of our wife) implicates us (of wife’s sin).
Spend time truly getting to know your wife, and communicate with her your desire to do so. In the end, you’ll better understand who she is and how she operates. Your intentions for doing or saying things will become transparent, and you will be better equipped to serve her and build her up with your every word and action. Realize that what you say and what you do mean everything. Be faithful in both (do what you say and say what you do). As her leader, it’s what you’re expected to do.
3) Just because something is deemed as being spiritual doesn’t mean it’s truly spiritual.
Are we not exhorted to do all things unto God’s glory, regardless of whether it’s as simple eating or drinking (1 Corinthians 10:31)? For Christians, there is no longer this separation between the secular and the sacred (spiritual) in terms of our conduct. In all things we are called to be spiritual-minded: our focus should always be to glorify God.
So spending time with your wife on the couch or listening to her tell you about her day can be just as spiritual as reading the Word and praying with her. And reading the Word and praying with her can be just as unspiritual as anything else you do together. Yes, I said and meant unspiritual. Your motive is key; your heart motivation in it.
- Do you read, study, and pray with your wife because you genuinely desire to love and nourish her as Christ does His Church, or do you just want to give the impression that you do? Said another way, are you motivated by duty or desire?
- Does your heart burn for God’s glory as you listen to your wife tell you about her day as much as it does as when you lead her in prayer and through the Word? It should.
And just because what your doing doesn’t involve doing something spiritual (Word or prayer) doesn’t mean it isn’t. Cherish and redeem every moment and everything you do with your wife – for God’s glory!
While these experiences might be specific to the relationship between husband and wife, I believe their application is broader. So for you boyfriends and fiancés (and anyone else who feels called by God unto marriage) these are things to think about and meditate on.
Regardless of who you are, I pray that my experiences might be an encouragement to you. May our lives be aligned to the truth of God’s world and to the example of godly brothers and sisters in Christ around us.
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