The Comfort of A Sovereign God

"But our God is in the heavens; He does whatever He pleases." -Psalm 115:3

In the past couple weeks I have been surrounded by people (both that I know personally and don't) who are facing some intense trials.  A father who lost his son moments after birth, a mother who just found out she has cancer, a grandmother walking through chemotherapy, a husband and father of three, disabled for life...

I have found myself in tears on a few occasions as I think about the reality of life and death and the Sovereign God who holds it all in His hands.  I have been reminded of this precious Truth and comforted by it.  Although I am not walking through these personally, my heart aches for those who are.  I wonder how grace is experienced in moments like those, grace that I've never known, and yet is promised to the children of God when they face trials such as these.  I wonder how the world views the suffering their enduring, and as I see some suffering well, I am encouraged and blessed knowing God is being glorified.  

All of this reflection has brought me to another area of sanctification in my own heart and life with regards to the little child in my womb.  They are not mine.  Yes, I know this in my head, but just the thought of not ever getting to hold them, not seeing their first birthday, their first steps, etc. brings tears to my eyes.  I am not dwelling on what is not true, but rather I am reminding myself of REALITY and allowing my faith to be strengthened by the Truth of a Sovereign God.  I wonder if my response would be the same as the man who held his child who died moments after birth; a response of trust, worship, and thankfulness.  Would I be comforted by knowing the Truth that God is sovereign?  Do I trust that as the Psalmist writes, the days of my child's life are written out, and I cannot add one or take one away?  This is powerfully sanctifying to ponder.  

I pray with my whole heart that God would teach me, and equip me to remember that this child is not my own, just as my life is not my own.  To remember that my days are numbered, as is theirs.  And to trust and find comfort in the good and perfect plan of a sovereign God.  

I look forward to that DAY when with eyes I will see Him high and lifted up, and it will all make sense, because my faith will finally be made sight.

From the words of a father who lost his son moments after birth, "I am thankful that God gives me the strength to say “Your will is all I need” and to trust the care of all my children to the one who surrendered His “own body to the wrath reserved for me.”

A Change of Perspective

Tomorrow marks the first day of my third trimester.  I can't believe how fast this last trimester has flown by.  This pregnancy has had its ups and downs and has been such a tool to sanctify me.  I wish I could say that I have responded rightly in every test, but the truth is, I have found myself self-focused, complaining, anxious...sinning.  As I was reflecting on the last two trimesters I can see more clearly what God was teaching me, and for that I am thankful.  And it has motivated me to start this last trimester differently, to change my perspective so to speak.  I want to see these last 12 weeks or so of pregnancy as the very gift that they are, and I am confident that the grace of God will enable me in that pursuit.  But how?!

The Lord, in His graciousness, led me to two passages in Scripture that have radically changed my perspective already.

Genesis 3:16a "To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children."

1 Timothy 2:15 "Yet she will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith and love and holiness, with self-control."

Both of these passages hold so much weight.  In Genesis, we see the consequences of the fall for ALL women, pain in childbearing.  When He says, "I will greatly multiply your pain," it's an interesting Hebraic phrase. The construction literally says this, "Causing to be great, I shall cause to be great your sorrow." It's redundant. He says it twice. "I will cause to be great, I will cause to be great your sorrow." The idea is intensification. "I'm going to bring upon you a great sorrow and that sorrow is going to come in the area of your children."   I suppose I always thought that had to do specifically with the labor process, but there is so much more; it has to do with all the pain and sorrow that comes with raising children form conception forward.  John MacArthur describes this well, "Conception will be multiplied much more frequent. Birth will be painful. Children will consume a woman's life. And whatever joy she gains from them will be mingled with fears and pain and suffering and sorrow. Even Simeon said to Mary, "Some day because of how you loved this baby Jesus, a sword will pierce your heart.  So woman is punished in the most intimate way. Nothing is more purely the distinctive of a woman than to give birth to a baby. Nothing provides for her greater fulfillment, greater joy, greater satisfaction than that. But even that is not unmixed, it is with pain. Pain which will come to her will threaten her life. She will go down to the very gate of death before her children come into the world. And throughout the remainder of her life she will be reminded by disappointments, failures, and sorrows that she will find her deepest pain in the lives of her children."  Sounds pretty discouraging if you ask me.  But that is the Truth, and that is what sin does.  HOWEVER, there is hope for those mommies who are IN CHRIST.  That is where 1 Timothy 2 comes in.

"She can be saved through childbearing. She can actually be saved, delivered from this curse, delivered from this pain, delivered from this sorrow at the very point of childbearing, the very point of the curse. The pain of childbearing is the punishment of sin, but in that very childbearing she can find deliverance from that pain. How does she do that? Here it is. "If they continue in faith and love and sanctity with self-restraint." "They" means the women. If a woman will live a godly life and continue in faith and love and holiness and self-control, if she will be what verse 10 says, a godly woman, then you know what? She'll raise a godly generation and her children will continue in the same thing." (John MacArthur)  Childbearing  was not the curse from sin, the consequences that came along with it were.  And salvation unto eternal life is not what Paul is talking about here, but rather a deliverance.  Although sin enters the world every time a mother has a child, a Godly mother has the PRIVILEGE and the ABILITY (in Christ) to raise a GODLY seed.  God has given us the privilege of leading the the race (our children) out of sin to godliness.  What an incredible thought!

So what's the take away?  "The pain she goes through reminds her of her sin, the result reminds her of God's restoring grace and puts her back in the place where she makes a positive contribution to the godliness of the next generation. She may have caused a generation to plunge into sin, but she can by being a mother who raises godly children bring a generation to God." (John MacArthur) 

Wow! What an amazing calling, what an incredibly profound reality.  God's redemption beautifies everything and has purpose in all things.  My perspective is changed by His Words, and I am more grateful than ever to be an instrument in the Redeemer's hands in the life of the little one growing inside of me.

Control

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

Some years ago, while attending the Master's College, I took a Biblical Counseling class in which we were required to search our hearts and pinpoint a deep sin area (a heart issue) that produced a variety of "fruit" type sins in our lives.  Before Biblical counseling, I hadn't ever looked at searching out sin in this way, and was very helped by the process.  I came to see that many of the "fruit" sins in my life were coming from something much deeper I needed to repent of and rely on God's grace and strength to have victory in.  During the class, we would pick one sin and journal throughout the course of the semester as to what God was doing in our life as we sought to overcome it.  Although we knew that it would most likely be something that wouldn't disappear entirely in those 4 short months, the power of the Gospel was at work in us, and we were confident we would see growth in our lives.  After seeking the Lord for a week or so, I came to realize a deep root sin in my own heart that had produced much of my sinful behavior, attitudes, and actions over the course of my life; that being CONTROL.  

Since then, I have seen tremendous growth in my life in the area of control, and I praise God for the work He has done in my life; but I am still prone to fall in that area, and often.  I find myself seeking to control situations, circumstances, in ways that I foolishly have forgotten, I cannot.  My dependence upon the Lord is quickly deserted for a trust in myself and a dependence upon my own choices and strengths.  I find myself run dry and empty of strength trying to pull grace forward a day, a month, or even a year so that I might "be prepared" for what is to come.  At times, I see myself justifying sinful behavior or thoughts of control defining it as being "prepared", "proactive", or "wise".  Yet my heart is not pure in my motivations, and I am clinging to some sort of control of my life.  

On a side note, I am in no way saying that planning and being prepared are not biblical and wise, because they are.  It is when our planning and preparedness take such a grip on us that we hope in what WE plan, when the Lord has something different.  Someone once told me to plan, but to hold those plans with loose hands...that I believe is a Biblical idea.

All that to say, control is something, although I am growing in, I believe I will continue to battle until I see Christ face to face. I am hopeful that He will continue to sanctify and refine me in this area, and I pray that He grants me victory in it, but I am confident that the sanctification I receive through it is exactly what the Lord desires.  

I know that having this child will grow me specifically in this area.  I already see it.  I have no control over my changing body (to a degree), I have no control over changing emotions (to a degree), I have no control over how the little one is developing inside of me, there is nothing I can do to sustain its life.  Every day it is almost as if God is sweetly reminding me, "Vanessa, YOU are not in control, I AM...I always have been."  What a precious Truth.  There is comfort in knowing that I am NOT the one in control of the life growing inside of me, or more importantly of their spiritual state.  What a terribly overwhelming burden that would be, one I couldn't carry because I wasn't meant to carry it.  Instead, I am asked to daily relinquish my desire to control this child's life and more importantly, eternal life into the hands of the One who from before time fashioned and formed all things.  

So the fact of the matter is, I am not in control (obviously, yet I seem to have to remind myself of this quite often).  I may plan, but the Lord directs.  I can rest in that promise, and find peace in that joyfully.  My desire to control should be often checked and repented of so that I might depend on the One who is truly dependable. My prayer is that He would continue to dig away at that sinful root of control and replace it with trust and faith that continues to grow and produce a rich harvest in my life.

6 Months, An Everlasting Gift

I can't believe I've been pregnant for 6 months already, that's half a year!  The fact that a baby is really joining our family in about 3 months has become more and more of a reality.  And with the holidays just around the corner, I know that these next few months are going to fly by.  

The Lord has really taught me SO much already through pregnancy, as I have mentioned in previous blogs, but being 6 months pregnant compelled me to make a list of 6 things I have learned thus far.  May it be an encouragement to each of you.

It's Not About YOU!: I suppose this is a lesson I should already have mastered, but the reality is I am selfish.  I don't think I realized how selfish I was until this pregnancy came about.  I know once baby is here I will learn this even more, but as of now I am prayerfully pursuing a more humble and selfless attitude, heart, and life...one that reflects that of Christ as seen in Philippians 2.

Sacrificial Love: I always knew that my mom sacrificed her wants and needs for our family but until pregnancy, I didn't realize how much.  Being pregnant is a preparation for motherhood and that is full of God calling me to sacrifice- my body, my emotions, my desires, my time, all of me, for the benefit of another. Christ is my example, and I pray that He will continue to enable me.

I Take A LOT for Granted: Not being able to eat certain foods, sleep the whole night through or even sleep on my back has daily reminded me of how much I daily take for granted...the little things.  I am praying for a more grateful heart, after all, I have more than I could ever imagine, and SO much to be thankful for.

I Can't Do This Alone: Yes, I am dependent upon God for all things, but I often forget. Pregnancy is a constant reminder of my need for His grace, strength, and power in my daily life.  He promises to supply just what you need, and for that supply, I am so thankful...it is something I daily draw upon.

My Husband is my GREATEST Earthly Gift: I cannot imagine walking through this with anyone else in this life than the man God made for me.  He is a constant encouragement, support, and help.  He puts up with crazy pregnancy emotions and continually points me to Jesus.  I love him more every day and cannot wait to parent with him!

Take Each Day, ONE Day at a Time: The planner in me likes to "control"; in fact this is an area in my life that God has sanctified me so much in.  Because I like to plan, and know what's next, I tend to think often of the future (not just what tonight will hold but we're talking about what will happen in a month, two months and so forth).  I often fail to "smell the roses" because of it.  I forget to enjoy where God has me TODAY, and miss opportunities to see His faithfulness and goodness in that moment because I get worried or anxious about the future.  Pregnancy has forced me to take each day as it comes, and has opened up my eyes to so many blessings that each day holds.  I pray that I would continue to have a daily mentality and perspective on life, rather than a long term one.  After all, we aren't promised tomorrow

People ask me if I enjoy being pregnant.  And in all honesty, I have said "no".  I mean there are aspects I love (like feeling my baby kick inside of me, seeing their precious face on an ultrasound, anticipating their arrival, etc.).  But my response has got me really thinking.  The truth is, pregnancy has been a gift. Trials are gifts, and although they are packaged differently then what we usually expect to receive when we think of gifts, they are often so much sweeter because they have refined us, and made us more like Jesus.  If the Lord so allows me to carry more children, I anticipate much more sanctification through each pregnancy, but am confident that although the physical aspects of pregnancy may never be "enjoyable", the spiritual benefits, are everlasting.