Control

"The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

Some years ago, while attending the Master's College, I took a Biblical Counseling class in which we were required to search our hearts and pinpoint a deep sin area (a heart issue) that produced a variety of "fruit" type sins in our lives.  Before Biblical counseling, I hadn't ever looked at searching out sin in this way, and was very helped by the process.  I came to see that many of the "fruit" sins in my life were coming from something much deeper I needed to repent of and rely on God's grace and strength to have victory in.  During the class, we would pick one sin and journal throughout the course of the semester as to what God was doing in our life as we sought to overcome it.  Although we knew that it would most likely be something that wouldn't disappear entirely in those 4 short months, the power of the Gospel was at work in us, and we were confident we would see growth in our lives.  After seeking the Lord for a week or so, I came to realize a deep root sin in my own heart that had produced much of my sinful behavior, attitudes, and actions over the course of my life; that being CONTROL.  

Since then, I have seen tremendous growth in my life in the area of control, and I praise God for the work He has done in my life; but I am still prone to fall in that area, and often.  I find myself seeking to control situations, circumstances, in ways that I foolishly have forgotten, I cannot.  My dependence upon the Lord is quickly deserted for a trust in myself and a dependence upon my own choices and strengths.  I find myself run dry and empty of strength trying to pull grace forward a day, a month, or even a year so that I might "be prepared" for what is to come.  At times, I see myself justifying sinful behavior or thoughts of control defining it as being "prepared", "proactive", or "wise".  Yet my heart is not pure in my motivations, and I am clinging to some sort of control of my life.  

On a side note, I am in no way saying that planning and being prepared are not biblical and wise, because they are.  It is when our planning and preparedness take such a grip on us that we hope in what WE plan, when the Lord has something different.  Someone once told me to plan, but to hold those plans with loose hands...that I believe is a Biblical idea.

All that to say, control is something, although I am growing in, I believe I will continue to battle until I see Christ face to face. I am hopeful that He will continue to sanctify and refine me in this area, and I pray that He grants me victory in it, but I am confident that the sanctification I receive through it is exactly what the Lord desires.  

I know that having this child will grow me specifically in this area.  I already see it.  I have no control over my changing body (to a degree), I have no control over changing emotions (to a degree), I have no control over how the little one is developing inside of me, there is nothing I can do to sustain its life.  Every day it is almost as if God is sweetly reminding me, "Vanessa, YOU are not in control, I AM...I always have been."  What a precious Truth.  There is comfort in knowing that I am NOT the one in control of the life growing inside of me, or more importantly of their spiritual state.  What a terribly overwhelming burden that would be, one I couldn't carry because I wasn't meant to carry it.  Instead, I am asked to daily relinquish my desire to control this child's life and more importantly, eternal life into the hands of the One who from before time fashioned and formed all things.  

So the fact of the matter is, I am not in control (obviously, yet I seem to have to remind myself of this quite often).  I may plan, but the Lord directs.  I can rest in that promise, and find peace in that joyfully.  My desire to control should be often checked and repented of so that I might depend on the One who is truly dependable. My prayer is that He would continue to dig away at that sinful root of control and replace it with trust and faith that continues to grow and produce a rich harvest in my life.