Cherishing EACH Moment

I have always tended to be that person who is always looking ahead.  Enjoying the moment has not been something I have always been good at.  In fact, I think it is something I have struggled with for years.  What's next is always on the forefront of my mind- whether that means planning what I'm doing every moment of the day tomorrow from the moment I wake up today, or worrying about how some event is going to go down that isn't even happening for a month...that so often is me.  It all stems from that fleshly desire for control that I so tightly cling to despite my desire to rid myself of it.

BUT GOD (oh how I love those words) isn't through with me yet.  He continues to teach me, conform me, mold me, sanctify me in this area, DAILY! I am humbled by His gracious care and love for me personally.  I see it ever so clearly now that I am a mommy.  I am learning, or I should say, being forced (lovingly), to learn to CHERISH the MOMENTS.  You see, having a baby means that you never know what each day holds.  Yes, you can have some sort of idea or plan, but the reality is, each day is different, each moment is different.  I am finding myself more and more aware of just HOW precious each moment of each day is.

So as I rock my little one to sleep because he needs his mommy, can't finish dusting because I'm too busy playing with my sweet boy, or take an hour to run a simple errand, my prayer is that I would STOP and refocus, and cherish each moment as the gift from above that it truly is. 

Formulas vs Faith

I like formulas, put something in, you get something out.  I suppose my like for this stems from my struggle with the sin of control.  You see, if I have a formula, I know the end-result before I even begin.  I know that if I follow the steps, I will get the desired outcome, which is what "I" want.  The reality is, life is NOT formulaic.  There is no follow these steps and you'll get this as a result.  After all, where would faith come in.  

Becoming a mom has taught me more then ever about formulas and faith.  I have found myself in the middle of the night "researching" the how-to formulas to get my baby to sleep longer, to go longer between feeds, or to teach him new things.  I read stories from other moms and am amazed at how they did "x, y and z" and achieved their desired end.  I talk to moms who have gone before me and get their plans that worked for their children. But then when I try the very same thing, my outcome is not the same.  I have struggled through tears wondering what I am doing wrong and have battled feelings of failure as a mommy.  I often wonder what "I" am doing that is causing the formula(s) not to work!  

By God's grace, He revealed some Truth to me that I had again failed to remember, I am NOT in control.  His sweet reminder allowed me to realize that there is no formula when it comes to being a mommy or raising a baby.  There is faith, and there is His sustaining grace.  It is by these two things that you will get through each moment, each day, each season.  And it is resting in these Truths that your heart will find peace. 

You see being a mommy isn't about me, and it isn't about my son...it is all about glorifying Christ.  And whatever must take place in order for that to happen is what will take place.  If a crying baby and sleepless nights mean Christ is more glorified, then so be it.  

I have so much to learn about being a mommy, but I am learning so much already, and for that I am thankful. The biggest lesson I have learned thus far is there are no formulas.  God has entrusted this precious little boy to me, to raise, to love, to train, to care for, and how I go about doing that will look different then the mom down the street or the mom at church.  God didn't call me to be just a mom, He called me to be Brayden's mom; and in being his mom he promised to sustain me, to equip me, and to provide for me.  He promised that in my weakness, He would be strong.  He promised that He would provide me new mercies each and every day.  He promised me the grace and wisdom I need to care for him. And He promised me that He would sanctify me and glorify His Son in and through it all.  

He simply asks me to have faith through relying on His grace.  To throw out all the formulas and to ask Him for help, to seek His mercy and grace when I am in tears and don't know what to do, instead of turning to the world.  There is no formula that is going to manufacture Brayden to fit "my" agenda, but rather faith in a God who is working all things together for the good of those whom He loves...me.

Being a Mommy

I can't believe my little man is over a month old already!  When people tell you to cherish every moment because time flies, they're right.  Our little man isn't so little anymore...good thing he is still small enough to cuddle :), I wish he would never outgrow that!

To say that the last 5 weeks have been the most life-changing of my life would be an understatement.  I have never experienced the emotions that I have and never have seen more of my self and my NEED for Christ in the ways that I have with Brayden in my life.

Being a mom is so much more than I realized.  And being a mom has made me love and respect my mom so much more, knowing just how much she sacrificed to raise my brother and I.  Being a mommy is a calling from the Lord to truly conform you to the image of Christ.  It is a 24/7 tool to sanctify and refine.  It is a call to self sacrifice or self denial, a call to give of yourself until you feel as though there is nothing left to give, and then to give some more as He equips you with that grace you need.  It is a call to love unconditionally, deeply, and purely from a heart that expects nothing in return.  It is a call to serve purely without selfish motives and desires.  It is a call to patience in ways that I have never had to be patient before.  Ultimately it is a call to DEPEND, to depend on the Lord FOR everything and IN everything.

God has reminded me daily, through this precious bundle of joy, of my NEED for His sustaining grace.  He reminds me of His love through Brayden's life.  And He reminds me of His faithfulness through His strength to keep me going when I am weak.  I see my sin in a whole new light, my selfishness, and my depravity...and yet, I see the glorious Gospel, beautifully and powerfully at work to renew me day by day and moment by moment.

Being a mommy, although filled with joy unending, and blessings that far exceeded my expectations, is ultimately about bringing glory to God and making me more like Jesus as I seek to picture the Gospel to my little Brayden, praying He too will be made like Jesus!

Brayden Xander Bence

Three weeks ago today I remember praying that God would let me go into labor ASAP.  I was 2 days away from my due date, and the anticipation and all the waiting was 'killing' me.  I didn't sleep so well that night as I played over what I expected to take place during labor, delivery, and home there after.  I tried to imagine what my little man would look like, how it would be to hold him for the first time, and what it would be like to go from just Keith and I to a family of three.  I couldn't wait to meet Brayden, I couldn't wait to watch Keith become a daddy, and I couldn't wait to have a life long dream come true...becoming a mommy.

And then it happened, two days later, on his due date, Brayden Xander Bence came into this world and changed my heart and my life, forever.  As I held this little life in my arms for the first time after carrying him for 40 weeks, I was at a loss for words.  Tears filled my eyes and my heart was flooded with an array of emotions.  He was the most precious thing I had ever laid eyes on and I couldn't believe he was mine.  His tiny little lips, his perfect little ears, his hands that held my finger tight...it was love at first sight.

I thought about the reality that the One who formed him inside my womb had planned his arrival, and his life from before the foundation of time and I was in awe.  I saw God in a way I had never before.  I had just witnessed creation with a front row seat.  Our God is great.

It has been just about three weeks since Brayden entered this world and I fall more in love with him everyday.  My life has changed completely, but for the good.  I find myself more dependent upon the Lord then ever before as I seek strength, grace, and wisdom each and every moment of the day to get through days with little sleep, to discern a newborns cry, and to faithfully love and serve my husband.  I stand more amazed at the Lord and His handiwork as I watch this little life develop and grow in front of my eyes.  It is a miracle and it is a gift from the Father to be able to be entrusted to raise this little man.
I pray more then ever before, especially for this little man's salvation, and trust firmly in God's perfect plan.  Although, I don't think I have ever desired anything more than for him to be saved.

If I could use one word to describe what I feel today after having this little guy it would be grateful.  I am grateful for his life.  I am grateful for a God who sustains me with His grace each and every day. I am grateful for sanctification which I am experiencing in all new ways.  I am grateful for a hardworking husband who selflessly serves our family and enables me to stay home with our little one.  I am grateful to be a mom.

Waiting

The anticipation is growing with each passing day.  My emotions are constantly changing as I wait for the arrival of our son.  I have no idea what to expect and as much as I have "prepared" I know what I am about to experience is something you can't explain or understand until it happens to you personally.  Every day I wake up wondering if today will be the day that he comes and fall asleep wondering the same thing.  A couple nights this week I found myself so restless I couldn't even sleep...Keith explained it like the night before you go to Disneyland when you were a little kid, PURE EXCITEMENT that makes it nearly impossible to close your eyes.  As much as I want every day to be "the day", I am certain that from before the foundations of time, from before the creation of this world, the sovereign and good God ordained the perfect moment of his birth...in that there is much comfort and confidence knowing His ways are perfect.  I love knowing that He has been knitting Brayden in my womb, fashioning and forming him each and every moment of his short little life.  He has been faithful and will continue to be.

"For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.
¹⁵ My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and plannedbefore a single one of them began." -Psalm 139:13-16
 So we wait, and we pray and we trust!  After all, he has to come out at some point right :). SO thankful to be walking through this with the one my heart loves.

2013, HE must Increase

I can't believe 2013 is already here.  I guess there is truth to the saying, 'the older you get the quicker time flies'. 2012 was full of great moments, unending blessings, and much sanctification. I am so grateful for the work the Lord did and am eager to see what this new year holds. 

As Keith and I await the arrival of our sweet Brayden, who can come any day now, I have been wondering what God may want to grow me in this year.  I know that there will be much sanctification with a little one, and yet specifically I have no idea with that will entail.  However, as I have thought about what my prayers for this year should be, they all point back to John 3:30, "He must become greater; I must become less". It seems simple enough, and yet I know it has been and will continue to be a lifelong process until I am made whole in heaven.

What this looks like practically changes with each season of life and even with each day. Making Christ great, must be my faithful pursuit.  As a wife, and a soon to be mother, I am called to be faithful, to lay down my desires and my wants so that I might meet my husband's and my son's...why? So that HE, Jesus Christ, might become greater in my life, and I might become less. 

I know that it is only through the enablement of the Spirit through the power of the Gospel that this is even possible, but my prayer is that I might excel in this pursuit, by His grace and for His glory.  May 2013 be a year where HE increases in my life.

Grace in Pregnancy at Christmas

Reflecting over the past 8 months of this pregnancy, one word comes to mind, grace.  I have experienced God's grace in so many tangible and real ways day in and day out.  I have found myself in tears at times over the sanctification process, and have been met by the love of God over and over again, always giving me exactly the dispensation of grace I need for that very moment.  I've learned more of my own weaknesses, shortcomings, and failures; and yet I have seen the Gospel as more beautiful, glorious, and precious then ever before.  Pregnancy has shown me God's grace in new and unique ways, and for that, I am beyond grateful.

As I spent time with the Lord and reflected over the last 8 months and prayed for the remaining 4 weeks or so (Lord-willing), I kept coming back to the Christmas story.  I pictured Mary, 9 months pregnant, traveling on a donkey, for days...what a journey that must have been.  I imagine her pregnancy, and the ups and downs she must have experienced while carrying a child.  I can't even fathom what she must have felt knowing that the little baby inside of her womb WAS the SAVIOR of the world! What an incredible privilege, and yet at the same time, what a hard reality to grasp.  I wonder if she too was sanctified through her pregnancy, and I know she had to have been.  As I feel Brayden moving around inside of me, I imagine what it must have been like for her to have JESUS CHRIST move around inside of her. Mary must have experienced grace daily as she carried this little one, the King of Kings, and Lord of Lords.

Then I think about Joseph, and the responsibility he bore.  Not only was he being entrusted to raise a child, but he was being called to be faithful to raise the Son of God!  I imagine the countless prayers he must have prayed for his wife and his son and how he prayed for God's equipping to do what seemed impossible.  The sanctification he too must have experienced was filled with much growth I am sure.  And yet, I am certain, that Joseph too would have received just the grace he needed for each step of the way.

And then there is Jesus.  The baby Jesus, this precious infant growing inside a womb the same way that my little one is growing inside of me.  His little hands, his little nose, his little heart; all developing just the way each child does, for 40 weeks (or so), by the grace of God.  I cannot even fathom my Savior as a baby.  What a humbling experience for him, and what a truly precious gift for us.  To know that Jesus came into the world the same humbling way we all do, as a helpless babe, entrusted to fallen human parents to raise, nurture, and teach him.  And he was the one bringing the way and the means to the very grace that his parents were experiencing, and myself today.  He WAS grace.

It is so special to carry a child during Christmas, especially a son, because it makes the Christmas story all the more real, and tangible.  I can relate to Mary in a whole new way, and I can picture a baby Jesus so vividly.

Keith pointed out the providence of God in the timing of our son's birth in relation to our celebration of Jesus' birth at Christmas.  Our son, unlike Jesus, is coming into this world fallen and depraved.  And yet, there was a baby born 2000 years ago, at Christmas time, who can save him from that depravity.  Our son's life from conception to death can be replaced with the perfect life of the Savior, from conception to death, and victory over that death.  What a glorious truth, what a precious promise of grace, and what a hope we have.  As we reflect on Christmas, and anticipate our son's arrival, God is yet again, pouring out grace as he has done for me through this entire pregnancy (and my entire life); He is reminding me of the essence of grace in the Gospel born on Christmas day.  His grace came in the flesh on Christmas Day as a little baby, for me, for my son if He so comes to Him, for anyone who would believe.  Thank you Jesus for coming, for your grace.